DoodlingDude 塗塗圖

Gay Pride Taipei, 2009

2009-11-04T16:48:00.000-08:00

I am just a normal guy, the only difference is I love guys.

今天跟瑞咪聊完天之後發現，我們對gay這個社群的了解會是如次的不同。今天禮拜，一如往常的牧師講道很激動，在接近尾聲的時候，他談論到同志遊行的事。他說到，教會裡面有一位弟兄子妹說他想要體驗一下，遊行到底是如何。於是當天他就參加了遊行，這個弟兄(或是子妹)說，他出捷運之後，看見一個男生好像也要參加遊行，於是他就前去問他說︰你也是來參加遊行的嗎？回答很有趣，牧師提高他說話的音調，就像是布袋戲的女角色一樣︰我已經有伴了！我當時是有一點驚嚇，我知道他對同志議題的看法，但是我真的沒想到他會這樣好像是消遣的說法。更讓我驚訝的是，他繼續說到，他說遊行裡面有一個身材傀五的男生，只穿了一條泳褲，還批上像是婚紗的頭飾，說到激動處，牧師的聲音都會分岔，台下的聽眾發出了帶有厭惡，或者說是不可置信的笑聲，我覺得有點受傷，也有點生氣。氣的不是牧師或是聽眾的回應，而是為什麼我不能讓他們知道，身為同志並沒有錯！穿著打扮並沒有錯！

神愛世人！所有的人祂都一樣的愛！

遊行的目的是什麼？要傳達的信息是什麼？

如同嘉年華一般的遊行，有達到我們遊行的目的嗎？還是我們只是享受到媒體和社會的鎂光燈？遊行的隊伍裡面，一定會有一些比較精心打扮的參與者。穿著整齊是基本的禮儀，有些人會穿浴袍、有些人會穿超人裝、有些人會穿泳衣、有些男人會穿女裝、有些男人會穿女裝，有些人會認為，這樣的穿著模糊了對同志議題的焦點。參予遊行了幾年，其實精心打扮的人真的是少數中的少數，但是這些少數對大眾來說，似乎比較具有新聞價值。現在的新聞比較像是一個綜藝節目，報導的不是事實。情殺不是只有同志的圈圈裡面才有，但是被冠上“同志”，就好像比較有新聞性。只是同志會在三溫暖或是溫泉交合嗎？那陽明山上的車床族？跟林立的汽車旅館呢？

我發現，這些特質並不是“同志的特質”，而是人的特質，在現在的道德架構之下，姑且就說他是劣根性吧！把這些大眾比較不能接受的行為，都推托給同志來承受，是不是不太公平了？溝通是了解的開始，人性基本上是比較好逸務勞的，對於自我權益的維護或是伸張，在台灣社會的脈絡之下，鴕鳥心態是很多人選擇的方式。

身為同志是不是都有一顆受傷的心呢？這樣的論點又回到同志到底是先天或是後天的爭論之上。只要Google一下，你就可以讀到很多這樣的文章。支持先天的研究者，希望能夠找出會導致同志行為的基因或是腦部的差異等等；後天的環境的成因，又會回到強勢的母親跟缺席的父親。如果說Gay是先天的，就好像可以在出生之前，做好篩檢一樣？（是納粹嗎？）如果事後天的成因，是不是意味的就可以 convert gays? 兩個同樣性別的人相愛，是值得影起如此大的紛爭嗎？我們是因為受傷才變成gay還是因為變成gay而受傷？前者的原因太遙遠了，對我而言 being gay是很自然的。還記得小時候看八點檔，一代女皇我們看得不是女皇，而是多爾滾。當然成長的路上會有很多想法跟成長中被灌輸的思想有很多衝突，男生喜歡女生，年齡到了就要結婚，生小孩組成家庭才是一個成熟的表現。在這樣價值的摩擦之下，心思比較細膩的人，我覺得應該會片鐵鱗傷吧！我覺得有部份的我們，沒有辦法把這些外在強勢的價值觀和自己本身的想法跟價值觀調和，這樣的情況會造成心裡上的創傷跟傷害。

In 1994 the APA finally stated, "...homosexuality is neither a mental illness nor a moral depravity. It is the way a portion of the population expresses human love and sexuality" 很慶幸的，我成長的環境對gay並沒有打壓，因為大部分的人都是屬於無知的情況。也很慶幸，在我求學的路上，有很多老師和長者，給我的教育或是資訊都很開放跟正確。高中的時候有一位老師說“有些人喜歡吃蘋果，但有些人喜歡吃鳳梨，同性戀只是喜歡的只是跟我們不一樣。” 談到最後，又都回歸到一個核心，就是對人的尊重！我尊重你喜歡吃蘋果，你也尊重我的選擇，而不是希望我能夠變得跟你一樣。

Fat Whorrrre

2009-10-26T08:42:00.001-07:00

A love story between a Morbidly Obese Woman and a Sissy Boy!

Mom called

2009-10-17T19:13:00.000-07:00

今天媽媽打電話給我，

一如往常的，媽媽在電話上講話都非常的急，我們之間的通話，通常都會在兩分鐘內結束。沒有好好的說再見。

今天他跟我說，爸爸說，台北的房租那麼貴，你既然賺不多，錢都花在房租上，那為什麼不搬回家？
一聽到，其實我有一點生氣。氣的是，在家裡，只是安逸沒有進步，難道你們不知道嗎？我的夢想，沒有辦法在那裡發芽！我知道，我無法幫家裡很多，但是家裡的堅持和執著，我覺得對我來說，真的沒有那麼重要。爸爸工作不穩定，繳不起卡車貸款。既然工作量減少了，為什麼不乾脆把車子賣掉算了？我們也不需要那麼大的房子？三樓只是都用來堆東西罷了。

我的觀點，真的非常自我。這我真的知道。但是我真的很自私的認為，我要做我喜歡的事，做我自己。我沒了這小小的自我，真的不知道要怎麼繼續過日子。

我常常聽到朋友說，不知道自己為什麼做現在的工作，為什麼要念這個學位。我可以告訴他們的只有，去做你喜歡的事情，不要後悔。有很多事情可跟生活妥協，但是自我不行。幾乎每天，我還是會看看 ptt 的 job板，104的配對，慢慢的，我發現，也許根本就沒有所謂的 "dreamy" job，有的只是我願意妥協的程度。責任制還要用22000的月薪，過分一點的還有隔週休，我真的不知道，這樣的求職環境是幫助台灣，還是扯自己的後腿。

我不妥協，操你*的兩萬二！

你覺得呢？

My Tummy

2009-10-17T19:10:00.000-07:00

As finishing having lunch with Remi, I went to the cheap shopping center in 101. A cotton pants are what I am looking for. Roots seems like the perfect place to go. To my satisfaction, there were lots of nice pants. Except for the price was not so friendly. So with no hesitation, I moved on to Esprit.

As I was trying the clothes, I was so shocked. In the mirror, there was a giant-tummy boy! Like those old fatty guys in the gym who always lifted super heavy bells. I cannot believe I was turning into one of them! Right at that moment, I knew I had to take some action preventing myself from turning into a beast. So here is my new "Monthly" resolution:

1. I have to quit all the sweet drinks, especially after working out.
2. 30-min jog every morning.
3. Building up my portfolio.(Nothing concerning my weight)
4. Be more active.(If the world is coming to an big finale, I have to leave something behind!)

Something About Typhoon

2009-08-09T07:21:00.000-07:00

We are so used to Typhoon here in Taiwan that we forget that it is quite dangerous. Because the danger of it, that is why we have the day off to stay at home and be good. I woke up on Friday morning, wondering if I should go catch the bus home before the Typhoon is hoovering on our little island. The wind was blowing quite strong out there, it’s like the kind of howling that only happen in one of those Hollywood thrillers. The one that Jason will be wandering out in the rain and slashing people’s throats. Then I try to find the information if my coach bus is still open. Little did I know that the line will be always busy. Having no ideas if there is any way out of Taipei city, I sort of made up my mind to stay in put until my call to make sure everything is fine back home.

“Ba Ba, is everything okay at home?” said me,
“OK, is the rain heavy there?” said Ba Ba.
“At too bad.”
“Get home now the typhoon will only hit til this evening.”
“Okay, I am going to get ready, now. See you” so I hang up,
Like any other calls my father or I made, it’s always short and kind of awkward.
Then I am on my way back home.

Typhoon is usually strong wind accompanied with heavy rain. By the time I left my apartment, the rain started to get a bit stronger. Once I got to the station, I purchased the ticket. Luckily enough, if I would be 20 minutes late, there will be no train back home. It really amazed me that in such a bad weather, there were still passengers on the train. They all looked somehow lost and quite tired. We all bathed in the serenity we had here for a really short time. As the train went above ground, the rain seems to ease off a bit. On the contrary, the wind was really blowing. Looking out from the square train windows the trees and plants were really bent and fighting with the wind. Somewhere on this island, the power on the train seemed died off. The train slowed a little, it seemed like the train was not moving more pushing by the mighty wind. In addition, the train ran over something and made a tremble. I and the passengers all have the “please-don’t-stop-here-in-the-storm” look. Despite of the little misfortune, I made it to my stop, 竹南 Junan.

To my surprise, Junan Station had partly redecorated. It looked very neat, clean and modern. As it came to modern design, we would think of white, simple shape, some sort of Zen but not too much. I had to admit that it was really nicely done. And back to the weather, now the typhoon was starting to show his power. The rain and the wind were all getting stronger. As Ba Ba and I got home, the rain really started to pour. Therefore I was trapped at home.

I haven’t been so lazy a long time. I was sort of sleeping, sort of eating and sort of working. Though there weren’t any works. Tracing the sketches, it was not for work, actually not for anything exactly. So many things were planned but they seemed somehow not planned at all. All those that have done, somehow, they seemed undone.

Talking about who took most of the time during this typhoon day, that will be just NuMa! We don’t know how she becomes such a stubborn child. She barks anytime she feels like. The most bizarre part is she barks at my dad all the time. If he sits still in the living room, she is fine. But if he gets up or makes a sound, she will just go crazy and starts to bark. I just wonder what inside of her tiny tiny brain is thinking about? Smart as Numa, she should know that my dad is the one who owns the place that she now is living in! So, behave honey, or you will get kicked out!

I guess all people on this island are all worry about the people living in Pindong. The rain is really pouring, and doesn’t seem to stop in the following hours. How many buildings are going to collapse? We have 金旺 fallen into the troubled water, that is the picture that we will never forget about. We think we have conquered the nature. How we ever think of one day we will be the just the victims? The nature keeps showing us his power! Water floods the agriculture, taking way the lives. Thousands still trapped in the semi-island of Pindong. The 2 major bridges connected to Kaoushoung is broken. I cannot help but wonder if I were the one in the flood, cold, wet and hungry. Would I stay put and waiting for rescue? Just ignore the 2 days I have been waiting. Or I should make the move to save myself even though I cannot swim at all and the water just keeps going up.

中文無法表達我的情緒

2009-01-19T21:02:00.001-08:00

My 2009 starts badly with news from my family. It was about Tsu Tsu Tou. He was hit and injury badly. Unfortunately died at about 7 am, January 3rd, 2009, and it was a Saturday. While I was sleeping, i got 2 missing calls from my brother and my father. So I was finnally informed at 10:30 am. Surely, I was heart-broken and in denial and anger.

豬豬頭！！！

我決定要寫一本書，紀念他

以上

你好，2009

2009-01-01T07:44:00.001-08:00

2008年，大部分的時間都獻給了國家。還記得2007年跨年，是在南部基地的床板上，跟著一群完全不熟的人，時間過的真是快阿！今年，在朋友的飲料店裡，11點50，我們全部都在信義路上，看101的煙火秀！路上的車都停下來了，在那一刻，大家都目不轉睛的看著那棟陽具般的大樓！突然間覺得，我們好像在期待什麼一般。在那一秒，我相信大家都在祈禱2009年，會是一個更好更溫暖的一年。就在那短短的時刻，我們是一體的，We Love Taiwan!
隔天和HAllen吃飯，發現在2009年的第一秒，就已經墜入愛河說:)寫這篇也是為的紀念，他和這個陌生人的際遇。對於愛情，你總是比較敢愛敢恨吧！你說你在誠品沒辦法看書，你恨不得把他當作書一樣，一個字一個字的啃完，雖然彼此分開不到24小時。
“It's when I think about you then I hear song
and you can sing alone“
對創作的方大同來說，愛是旋律。
對你來說，愛是寫作，
對我來說，愛是畫畫。
祝你幸福！
Roomate-TO BE

XD

2008-12-04T09:08:00.000-08:00

到現在已經一個多月了，回到台北生活也快要邁入一個月。
在朋友頂下來的飲料店裡工作，在對這一行完全沒有概念的情況下，
一開始就跟新訓中心一樣戰戰兢兢，都睡不太好，信義路真的是一條忙碌的街道！
一個月下來，店裡的營運也有個概況了，休息幾天之後，要做的就是把這家破店，
裝潢起來，想到這裡，心裡就高興了起來，老闆出錢讓我隨便做的感覺，真的很開心說！
好不容易終於有機會去IKEA逛逛，原本想要幾件素色的圍裙，廚房裡飛濺的飲料和糖漿，
已經在我心愛的Fredperry上留下了很多污漬了 >__< IKEA竟然沒有我要的素色圍裙！
難道要我去MUJI買嗎！還好有吃了一份牛肉丸、藍莓派、還有咖啡！晚上終於有機會到
大安森林公園跑步，真的很舒服！
如果你喜歡喝茶，請告訴我哪裡買得到好茶葉!

我設計的馬路招牌

第一個 <----- My fav

第二個 <------楊大大

第三個 <----- Simpsons-ish

價目招牌

做自己的好朋友

2007-09-23T20:52:00.000-07:00

今天心情不算是特別好，但也沒有特別的糟糕。其實就像是其他平淡的365個日子一樣，參加很多比賽，還有很多比賽的稿件要趕。再加上昨天晚上不明原因的沒睡好，這種不知名的失眠，讓我真是不知所措。找不出原因，但也不是沒有原因，只是太過複雜，我理不出頭緒罷了。

電腦上有一個星座的 Widget，我發現他常常扮演者鼓舞我心情的角色，他今天寫著，

Just because of your brilliance hasn't had a chance to be on display lately doesn't mean you are not as amazing as ever. Sometimes the only positive reinforcement you're going to get is the kind you give yourself and this might be one of those times. It's not that other people will be tearing you down, it's just no one will be building you up. But it's time to learn how to be your own best friend and your own cheerleader. So keep shining, even if no one else notices.

雖然是很老套的安慰橋段，但是老套的東西總是適用，就像是老歌一樣。難過的時候，需要聽到的就是一些老套的話，不管是從誰或是哪裡聽到的，也許只是網路或是書上的文章，也許是一段歌詞，也有可能是陌生人的一句話，在那種時候，我就是需要老掉牙的梗。也許這就是為什麼受傷的人會想要回家，在異地的時候會想到家鄉菜，因為這些都是老掉牙！所以不要吝嗇說老掉牙的話:-)

I am not hysterical happy today, but I am not down in the hell either. I will catergorise today as one of the ordinary 365 days of the year. I have been entering a lot of competitions, practically anything graphic design related. I am always reminding myself, the outcomes are not that important, the most important thing is enjoy the process. Moreover, last night I just had hard time falling asleep, I cannot figure out what is haunting me. Or more precisely know what have been haunting me. Those factors are just too complicated.

I use have a widget on my mac, it tells me what my day will be. But it's very cliche sentences. Very predictable, you don't even have to read it to know what they are going to say about your day. Vague and never too specific, playing safe. It says today as following

"Just because of your brilliance hasn't had a chance to be on display lately doesn't mean you are not as amazing as ever. Sometimes the only positive reinforcement you're going to get is the kind you give yourself and this might be one of those times. It's not that other people will be tearing you down, it's just no one will be building you up. But it's time to learn how to be your own best friend and your own cheerleader. So keep shining, even if no one else notices."

Even though it's Sooooo Cliche, it does make me feel better! When days like this, I just need some cliche comfort words. Just say "I love you." and give me a hug, whether you mean it or not.

I guess I am ready for today now after my zodiac shot :)

PS. in the picture are my name cards

完美的形象 Perfection

2007-09-17T07:31:00.000-07:00

完美，是一個聽起來不可思議的字眼。在英文裡面perfect就是perfect，沒有更完美或是最完美。他就是一個極限的字，我們可以到達那個境界嗎？我可以嗎？到達那個境界之後，人生就沒有意義了吧？總是有些東西、有些慾望是沒有被滿足的。女孩們在這個社會下，都必須要瘦。都要變成紙片人一般，胖子從小就被討厭，還記得國小隔壁桌胖妹嗎？他們總是會有”豬頭““豬油“等等的“錯“號，他們也許都是很好的朋友，但是我們會想要跟他們做朋友嗎？跟他們走在一起，總覺得有一種莫名的壓力。他們也總是大家欺負的對象，就像是小時候比大家先發育的女生。

完美總是不斷的糾纏我們。在不斷長大的過程當中，我慢慢接受一個人不可能是完美的，就算他看起來是完美。說起來很容易，但是我相信對很多人來說，這都是一個很艱難的過程。要接受自己長得比同學矮，比別人胖，哎，接受不完美本身就是一個很難的課題。不只是自己外表的完美，社會本身也不是完美的，這是另一個讓人難以接受的現實。為什麼好人會被綁架撕票？為什麼壞人總是可以找到法律的漏洞？為什麼不斷污錢不做事的人可以做高位？？為什麼努力跟成就不成正比？

接受不完美，是我一直在學的課程。

就做自己吧！

Perfection, it just sounds so surreal. Can we reach the state of perfection? If we ever be perfect, is there no other things to be considered anymore? Would we have other goals? other desire? Physically, we try to have the perfect figure. Remember the chubby girl or boy sitting next to you in class. They always have names like, pig head,fat, maybe they are very sweet. But because of their appearance, we will never know that. It is even uncomfortable to walk with them.

The idea of perfection is always hunting us when we are growing up. We have to learn that there is no perfection. It is easy to say "learn the imperfection." But there are tears and tears. Why I am shorter than him? It's tough! Even this society is not perfect! Remember what Marx said! and all the Sociologists. Some of us just have to be on the bottom to support the upper class. Why the good always get killed by some series killer?

I am still learning the lesson.

Just be yourself, it's much more easier!

American Cock School

2007-09-17T00:13:00.000-07:00

That is exactly what had happened as I was working as a TA in a cram school.

Dick-holic

2007-07-21T03:41:00.000-07:00

最近在遛狗的時候，我突然間有一個想法︰
一個人的個性，可以在他如何遛狗觀察出來。
一般人，或者說是大部分人，我們遛狗一定會給狗狗帶項圈跟遛狗繩。
當狗狗太興奮的時候，他就會拉緊繩子，就會有 “氣喘” 般的聲音，
這個時候我們當然還是繼續慢慢的走，當然有人會選擇跟狗狗一起跑起來。
我選擇不跑。
原因是我要他知道我是他的主人，不讓他作如此的快，是為了保護他。有時候他如果拉的太過分，
我就會直接停下來。這是我跟我家現在這隻狗狗相處的方式。

談戀愛，也是這樣吧？
我們是用我們自己的方式愛對方？還是用對方的方式？
方汶老師說︰【Love him in his way/ Love her in her way】
真的要做到，很難很難 ........

當然不用遛狗繩，有時候必須要從後面追著狗狗跑。
最幸福的時候是，你蹲下來叫他的名字，他會很高興的跑到你的跟前，
通常都會殺不住車，就一股腦的狀上來。<----- This is Love, this is love !!!!

Willow :-*

Smile and Keep Smiling!

2007-07-17T04:07:00.000-07:00

不知道什麼時候開始，我們忘記怎麼跟人群相處，
忘記微笑的力量是那麼樣的強大!!!!

當你發現路上有人對你微笑的時候，心裡就暖了起來 :)

記得，

對你的家人微笑，
對你喜歡的人微笑，

可以的話，
對陌生人微笑 :-)

Taiwan

2007-07-11T04:33:00.000-07:00

台灣 / Taiwan，

我在這一個地方已經生活了20多年，在年紀越來越年長得時候，才開始知道如何欣賞這一片土地。
馬修連恩在一個電視的訪問中說到，台灣人都不斷的往自己島嶼裡面看。我們的新聞台24小時不斷的重撥不幸的新聞。政治的鬥爭和互揭瘡疤。台灣應該不只有這些吧？

I have lived in this island for 20 something years. As I am growing older and older, I learn to appreciate this place. When I was being a potato counch in from of the TV, I heard a musician,Matthew Lien, talking about Taiwan. How he finds this place so fascinating. We are so busy looking inside of the island, forget that there is a world outside!!!! We repeat news 24 hours! If those are heart-warming stories, fine. But unfortunately not!

我所學習的歷史和地理還是根深於國立編譯館的版本，我對“想像”中國的認識，反而比台灣認識的還要多。這也許是我們一開始，對台灣這一片土地沒有太多感情的原因。也許我對我們生活的圈圈或是自己的家庭有感情，但是“愛”台灣這個概念，卻是從來沒有的。

As for me, interestingly, I was taught to be a CHINESE. It means I study general history of CHINA (there are something about Taiwan for 20 pages i think) I like that, we are, however rooted in CHINA somehow.(Hey we preserve the Complicated Chinese and still using them) So to be honestly I don't know much outside of my hometown, let alone loving the whole island!

台灣代表什麼？

What is Taiwan for me, I guess it takes more time for me to answer.

Matthew Lien
http://www.matthewlien.com/